Tales Of The Uninfected

It would seem that a certain kind of supporter gets quite carried away when local rivalry knocks on his door. It was in December 1996 that the people of Cowdenbeath were made aware of a campaign which had been going, somewhat un-noticed, in the East Fife fanzine to mock anything associated with our beloved hamlet. We could go further and reveal all but it preferrable for you to read on and find out what the When The Sun Shines answer was to "The Cowden Family".

The East Fife fanzine is entitled

Away From The Numbers

We think it should be renamed

ARSEHOLES
FROM
THE
NETHERWORLD
(A MORE REALISTIC PICTURE OF EAST FIFE FANS)

A magazine for East Fife fanzine editors and mentally challenged people everywhere.

Foreword

At last the people of Cowdenbeath have been made aware of the kind of garbage that has been directed at Cowden supporters for years from the other side of the kingdom. It may have come as a surprise to residents of Cowdenbeath who found out that there is in fact a football club situated in the town, attendances at home games certainly support this opinion. This is one of the main reasons that we have and always will be an easy target for people such as Mr McColl.

What must be said though is that whilst people may think that everyone who follows East Fife or stays in Methil may have this opinion, this certainly is not the case. The cartoon strip in question has been running, almost un-noticed, for the past few years in the East Fife fanzine. We certainly do not wish any harm or bad feeling upon the people of Methil although we do hope that East Fife's fortunes do not take a turn for the better and they manage to concede a few more goals before the end of the season. Any form of bitterness should be directed at their fanzine and the relevant people involved. It may be that we are making a mountain out of a mole-hill but these comments should not go un-noticed by the community and as retribution we have come up with this 'tongue in cheek' response. Some of the articles are genuine from newspapers and official sources, although any articles received from my usual fanzine contributors are what regular readers of WTSS can expect - a bit of realism with some Brazilian humour thrown in. Unfortunately, with the deadlines involved in producing WTSS in time for December 28 not all of the articles have been received at the time of going to print. I will endeavour to ensure that no one's point of view or comments are missed in the next issue.

After the next issue, there will be no further comment on the matter except through the usual articles. Unless, of course, the men from the Methil Mangroves have something else to say about it.

Stuart Juner - Editor

"They come fae near Lochgelly
They hivnae goat a telly
Their dirty and their smelly
The Cowden Family"

was what started all the hullabaloo in the media when the East fife fanzine were asked to appear on BBC's "They think it's all over" and sing their version of the theme tune to the Addams Family.

How appropriate that they should take a song from a programme about a family of creepy weirdos and adopt it as their anthem after all have you ever seen some of the folks that are regulars on the terracings at Bayview? They could all be instantly called "Lurch" or "Thing" so they have nothing to smile about.

Away from The Numbers (The Unofficial East Fife Fanzine) has taken this song and migrated it into a cartoon which portrays a family that will do anything to survive, from eating vomit as a main meal to the mother performing various sexual acts with multiple partners just for the sake of it. In the issues that I have seen at no time has there ever been a mention of Cowdenbeath F.C. or Cowdenbeath supporters just a generalised dig at Cowdenbeath - why? We get this sort of shite at any ground we visit and also at Central Park as well as being able to dish it out so as far as I'm concerned COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE US!!!!!! If you can give it then you better be prepared to take it 'cause "The Vociferous Few" haven't lost a match yet and the crowd aren't even ready to get 'on the pitch'!

When the national press gave this the full treatment on Monday 16th December 1996, my first reaction was to seek out this smarmy wee bastard and shove a bar of soap right up his arse. I mean, what did he expect standing outside Bayview park with a copy of his fanzine wearing a "No soap in Cowden" T-Shirt getting his picture taken? Did he think the national press were going to say "Here's wee Mike McColl fae Glenrothes he's gonnae be on the telly, make sure that ye all watch him sing his funny wee song about Cowdenbeath cause he's really a good guy"? My arse. He got what he deserved and in the rest of the articles that you will no doubt be reading about what other people have to say on the subject no doubt he will be receiving some more, what is now looked upon as, justifiable abuse.

I don't want to get caught up in a slanging match but I do think that we should take an opportunity to vent our feelings on the matter and treat him with the kind of contempt he deserves. No doubt we will never hear the end of this from visiting supporters and I would presume that he will continue to have "The Cowden Family" as a regular feature in his sub-standard magazine but it's time to set the record straight and return his verbal volley with a match winning shot!

Yer Man at the Marracana

"The Methil Family"
by The Blue Avenger

These people come from Methil,
they think they're in fine fettle.
It's obvious they'll just have to settle
for being a Methil family.

Their fanzine editor gets called Mike
and he really should get on his bike.
For his comments we did not like
from this son of a Methil family.

He thinks his comments do not matter,
about Cowden folks that don't use watter.
But we'll have his balls upon a platter
and no more Methil families.

He just obviously disnae think,
that we can go and use a sink.
What do you expect from a Bayview wid-tink,
and an ozone unfriendly Methil family.

Now if you're driving out of Leven,
Watch out for people drinking semen.
and a team that concedes seeven
and also a Methil family.

Cowdenbeath recently came in for some undeserved slagging from East Fife fans but we can afford to laugh indulgently at the antics of the Methil casuals as featured on 'They Think It's All Over'. We have no intention of responding to these jibes and indeed, to demonstrate our goodwill, in this issue of WTSS we have agreed with the Levenmouth Tourist Board to publish a series of facts about the town of Methil which is so often unfairly portrayed as a backwater or eyesore in the national press. The following are true facts re the good town of Methil which show the positive side of this much maligned municipality.

• Methil was created a Burgh of Barony in 1662.
• An episode of 'Tutti Frutti' included scenes at Methil's 'White Swan Hotel'.
• The name Methil derives from the old Scots word 'Methyll' which means 'Place of ordure where the Widtinks dwell'.
• When East Fife FC was founded in 1903 the name East Fife was adopted as the Club's officials were too embarrassed to admit the club hailed from Methil.
• Methil was once described as 'What a dump' by HRH, the Duke of Edinburgh. It is the only town in the UK to have such status conferred upon it by Royal Appointment.
• The town of Methil is renowned for its traditional 'spit and sawdust' pubs. The local beer is produced by fermenting spit and sawdust.
• East Fife fanzine editor Michael McColl formerly appeared in the title role in children's TV series of the 1980's 'Methil Mickey'.
• Methil-ated Spirits were first produced in the town as a popular local beverage in the 1920s. Nowadays, Methil exiles can be spotted all over the UK still sticking to their traditional tipple of methylated spirits.
• In 1984, local Miners were delighted to receive a telegram from Maggie Thatcher thanking them for all their efforts during the Miners' Strike.
• The local High Schools are the only Schools in the UK exempted from the Government's League tables as they are as yet unable to meet the stringent qualifying standards.
• Methil pioneered the town twinning movement in Scotland and is currently twinned with Easterhouse, Wester Hailes, and Ferguslie Park Estate.
• The introduction of Decimalisation was delayed until 1986 in Methil to allow the local populace time to come to grips with the complexity of the new system.
• On Christmas Day, Methil families eschew turkey for the local delicacy of pickled dung and nettle pie washed down by flagons of pig slurry.
• Methil's most famous inhabitant is inventor Sir Niles Durie. His most famous inventions include the inflatable soup strainer, the carpet tile strimmer, and the well-known game 'computer snap'.
• East Fife FC are soon to leave Bayview and relocate to a state of the art new stadium to be built from recycled prefabs at Methilhill. The club sold Bayview as a prime town centre development site to builders for a staggering £1,100.
• The East Fife fans featured on 'They Think It's All Over' were dressed in the latest Methil designer gear. Their clothing was lovingly preserved hand me downs as originally supplied by the Wonderstore back in the 1950's. Footwear was the local equivalent to Doc Martens, Jock Martins at £2.99 per pair.
• Locals voted in a recent referendum for the UK to enter the European Single Currency but only on the basis that said currency was 'the Provi cheque'.
• In 1995, 2,000 Methil people lost a fortune after investing their life savings into a farming venture which intended to milk chickens to supply milk for those little UHT cartons.
• Popular singing duo 'the Proclaimers' had one of their biggest hits with the song which featured the famous 'Methil no More' lyric. This eloquently expressed the sheer joy that they felt that they would never ever have to gaze upon Methil again.
• The East Fife Supporters Club recently applied for group membership of Mensa. The 106 members collectively possessed an IQ of 144 which was just over the minimum for Mensa membership of 140.
• The dream of many Methil inhabitants is to win the lottery and to leave their humble background behind by settling in such select areas of Fife as St Andrews, Cowdenbeath and Lochgelly.
• The comic strip 'The Cowden Family' in the East Fife fanzine is based on Fanzine editor Michael McColl's own family.
• The East Fife fans featured on 'They Think it's All Over' have become gay icons in Methil since their TV appearance.
• Video/satellite TV, etc have not as yet caught on in Methil. Locals prefer to spend hours laughing at the local museum's collection of humorously shaped vegetables.

Arnold Codger

The official East Fife press release

"While normal rivalry is both expected and encouraged as a healthy part of Scottish football scene, I utterly deplore the recent criticism of the people of Cowdenbeath allegedly made by the editor of Fanzine Magazine which is not an official publication of this club.

I wish to make it perfectly clear that East Fife F.C. totally disassociates itself with these remarks and unworthy allegations and I can only apologise to Cowdenbeath F.C. and the people of the town.

Over the years both clubs have been rivals but we would never stoop to tactics of this type which can only bring the game into disrepute". - Julian Danskin, managing director of East Fife Football Club

A club official stated that "We were requested permission from BBC to film some supporters singing club songs for a programme. Had we known what songs were going to be sung, this would never have been permitted in the first place."

When Scottish television went to film their article at the ground after the newspapers had given it the full treatment, they approached the football club in an attempt to obtain a loan of strips to use. The club refused. The individuals that were actually shown singing the songs were infact offered, by the reporter, £20.00 to come out and sing the song. They obviously used their barterring skills on the reporter (a skill that is used every time people from Methil go to the shops or car boot sale) and managed to get the figure changed to £12.00. Could this be a new pop supergroup in the offing - The Methil Musical Mercenaries? Or could it be that this is the preferred method of acquiring a hot meal down Methil way?

We tried to get an interview with Mr McColl, unfortunately when he saw our editor heading towards his house he fled and was unavailable for comment.

The bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably, says Chesterton, because they are the same people. There has been an outbreak of such neighbourliness in the kingdom of Fife, prompted by the news that the ever-helpful BBC is planning to broadcast songs by East Fife supporters which imply that the followers of Cowdenbeath Football Club are hygienically challenged.

Which is why I now rush to the barricades to defend the honour of my home town against the slings and arrows of the Bayview barbarians. What is behind this latest venture by the Beeb to elevate the culture of our land? Apparently, the Methil men's fanzine is obsessed with Cowdenbeath. Its intrepid editor, one Michael McColl, avers: "Cowdenbeath is the town time forgot. The women there still think that a shawl is an indispensable fashion item and the men were glad to get down the pits to get away from them."

Have these simple people no sense of danger? There is nothing more thrilling and fearsome - cowering admirers tell me - than the sight of a roused Cowdenbeath man in full battle mode. But the thing gets even worse; the fanzine has a comic strip, "The Cowden family", which shows the children of Colin and Connie Cowden eating vomit off the pavement, when they're not taking drugs or searching through the bins for food. Of course, like every other surviving Cowdenbeath person. I recognise my own childhood in this accurate piece of social observation. We used to forage heroically among the pit bings for scraps of food during the hard winters, before injecting ourselves with heroin and going to sleep under a pile of damp dross. That's what made us Cowdenbeath people the heroic figures we are and why the world is largely run by West Fifers, rather than effete East Fifers.

Lack of cleanliness? What calumny! Man, I tell you, the pavements were clean enough to lick the vomit off. I only stopped the practise when I was a teenager, once I realised why the shawl-wearing, coaldust-smeared lassies were backing away from me at the Cowdenbeath Palais de Danse. In fact, the only thing which brightened these dreary and starving years was the regular thrashings the Blue Brazil handed out to East Fife. Hence these sad songs, which the BBC apparently plan to broadcast to 14 million crazed people. (Was it for this that Lord Reith shed other people's blood?) I can exclusively reveal to you the reason for these half-witted and demented verses - a burning and a simmering jealousy, arising out of a long-nurtured sense of inferiority.

Why are the supporters of Cowdenbeath FC described in this new Fife lieder-cycle as "smelly"? Simple, it's the only word the linguistically-challenged songwriters from Methil can find to rhyme with "Lochgelly". Look, we're not talking Wordsworth here. We're not even talking Jim Leishman. Can I report confidentially, compassionately and without a trace of bias that East Fife supporters are, by definition, a few substitutes short of a full bench? Permit me to let you into a sad and touching secret about our kindly, if inferior, neighbours. Some years ago, the East Fife supporters embarked on a five-year brainstorming session to produce a nickname for their team. Want to know what the wordsmiths of Methil came up with? The Fifers. No, you haven't missed it. The Fifers. Geddit? Full of subtlety, isn't it? Is this a form of linguistic Methil fatigue? Compare that with the coolest nickname in British football, the Blue Brazil.

All this is part of a comprehensive cultural and sporting superiority which Cowdenbeath holds over Methil. Here are some former pupils of Beath High School - Nobel Prize winner Sir James Black; Baroness Lee of Ashridge: Lord Ewing of Kirkford: Donald Findlay, QC: Dennis Canavan, MP; Poet Laureate James Leishman, and Slim Jim Baxter. Cowdenbeath is Renaissance Man territory, the Athens of Fife. And Methil? Home of the poets who can link "smelly" with "Lochgelly" in one stanza. Ach well.

Oh, and East Fife are currently bottom of their league, with an ageing side which creaks on to Bayview Park with zimmers. Cowdenbeath, on the other hand, have recently been at the top of their division with a team of (well-scrubbed) talented and exciting teenagers. Cowden fans would not, of course, lower themselves to reply to East Fife's Einsteins. Of course, the odd joke is heard at Central Park, such as:

Q: What do you call an East Fife supporter with a good knowledge of football? A: Unique.
Or: Did you hear about the East Fife fan who thought that Hertz Van Hire was a Dutch midfielder?

We occasionally have these little condescending jokes at the expense of East Fife, but always mixed with compassion for the underprivileged. After all, we wouldn't want to upset our neighbours, would we?