Cowden & The Germans

Few people appreciate or understand the rivalry between Cowdenbeath and the German nation or the Jeermans as Stan Boardman calls them. Basically this deadly rivalry stems from the innate German desire to prevent Cowdenbeath from becoming the leading power in world football for reasons which are lost in the mists of time. However, the rivalry seems to date back to German unification in the 1870s and the subsequent establishment of Cowdenbeath FC. Indeed on the formation of Cowdenbeath FC Bismarck made his famous outburst, 'Gott in Himmel, Der Verdammt Cowdenbeath schweinhunds'. The rivalry simmered until Cowdenbeath became 2nd Division champions in 1914 when the prevention of Cowdenbeath being promoted became a key plan of German foreign policy. In desperation Kaiser Wilhelm declared war and fought to keep Cowden in Division 2.

4 years later, with the German state and war machine shattered, Cowdenbeath could at last look to gain promotion without German intervention. In 1924, promotion was indeed achieved whilst Germany's economy was still devastated. However, the old rivalry was to be renewed at the instigation of 3 immigrants to Germany from Dunfermline. Andrew (who changed his name to the more teutonic Adolf) Hitler, Henry Himmler and Joe Goebbals. On arrival in Germany, the 3 expatriate Townies set up their own football club, Kickers Offenbeat, although they were very short of equipment. Hitler had only 1 ball, Himmler was in the same boat while Goebbals had no equipment at all (some may recall a famous song about the formation of Kickers Offenbeat which highlighted its founders lack of equipment). At the same time, Hitler and his chums also set up the Nazi party dedicated to the destruction of Cowdenbeath as a football power. In 1928, Cowden agreed to tour Germany in an effort at reconciliation but lost all 5 tour games as the German opposition was the cream of the master race genetically bred to defeat Cowden with all the refs ordered to turn a blind eye to German thuggery. All Germany rejoiced when Hitler announced in 1934 after Cowden lost 1-0 to Mother well in a match which ensured their relegation, 'Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Nil, Ein Nil!'

Cowdenbeath however began to rebuild and Hitler then began his plan of expanding the boundaries of the 3rd Reich by invading Austria, Czechoslovakia, etc so that the Germans could have a bigger playing pool to choose from. Cowdenbeath still made great strides towards promotion and Hitler then believed only War could stop Cowden's charge to the top. However, Prime Minister Chamberlain went to Munich and came back waving a piece of paper, which promised peace in our time. Unfortunately there was a secret codicil to this agreement that agreed to the transfer of Cowden's star centre Rab Walls to Bayern Munich. Cowdenbeath would not release Walls and so once again the 2 nations were at War. The Germans struck early attempting to blitzkrieg Central Park into oblivion but mistook the red painted Forth Bridge for the similarly painted stand at Cowdenbeath. A Cowdenbeath man who witnessed the raid described the attacking planes as 'those German Fokkers', a name which stuck!

The Germans enjoyed great success in the early days of the War, as the Scottish League with Cowden in the 1st Division was forced to close down, when Cowden themselves suffered the same fate, and worst of all the emergency became so dire that pub afternoon opening times in Cowdenbeath were moved from 4.30 to 5 O'clock - this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Cowden began to fight back despite Italy led by Mick Mussolini from Methil and Japan led by General Rab Tojo from Kirkcaldy joining the War on the German side. A few years later, the 1st Cowdenbeath King's Own Scotch Pie Division was one of the first units to reach Berlin as Hitler and his cohorts were vanquished. On seeing the Cowdenbeath contingent, the crack SS troops defending Hitler's bunker turned and ran shouting 'Ach der Blue Brazilians, Kamerad, Hande Hoch'

The 4 major powers USA, USSR, Great Britain and the Cowdenbeath FC Board then partitioned Germany into 4 zones with the aim of preventing the Germans threatening Cowdenbeath's fortunes ever again. However, the War had badly weakened Cowdenbeath FC and it took many years for them to re-establish themselves in Scottish football. At the instigation of the Cowden Supporters' Club the Berlin Wall was built which covered all the goals on the football pitches in the German capital so that the German goal threat should never be a menace again. In 1966, however, the Germans resurfaced but this time using more subtle tactics. German intelligence discovered that the one thing that would dismay all Cowden supporters would be success for England in the World Cup. Cowdenbeath was plunged into mourning when Germany lay down to England in the final. 2 years later, the Germans scored another anti-Cowdenbeath coup when Dunfermline with ringers Sepp Maier, Franz Beckenbauer and Gerd Muller in the side won the Scottish Cup. In 1970, Cowdenbeath won promotion once again but the Germans successfully overshadowed this achievement by hosting the Olympics and winning the World Cup soon afterwards.

There then followed a period of détente between Cowden and Germany until Cowden began to revive again in the late 1980's under John Brownlie. First, the Germans took the step of reunifying East and West so that they could put up a united front against the Cowden challenge. However, Brownlie's men achieved promotion and the Germans then adopted a cunning plan to undermine the club. First, Brownlie was ousted in a German funded coup with the German agent Helmut Harrow taking over the reigns. He introduced various 'moles' to the side such as Tom Von Condie and Hansie Lee and chaos ensued. This was followed up by his successor, John Reilly (Ace of Spies) a leading German double agent. Cowdenbeath were reduced to a low ebb. The Germans attempted to capitalize on this via the EEC when the question of a single currency arose. The Germans wished the Deutschmark to serve as the Eurocurrency while Cowden suggested 'the Provi Check'. If the German plan had succeeded Cowden would have been doomed as the fans would have been unable to get in to see Cowden as they had no Deutschmarks. At the time, Helmut Kohl believed this would be a masterstroke and boasted 'Zis spells Gotterdamerung for ze Cowden untermenschen'.

The Cowden/German rivalry remains a live issue to this day. Recent clashes include a nasty incident involving the chairman of the Torquay Cowdenbeath Supporters' Club Basil Fawlty and some German guests at his Hotel. Basil dealt with the krauts in his own inimitable manner. Then during the recent European Championships in England German espionage operatives infiltrated a Cowdenbeath hostelry, the Cross Guns. However, this led to a major German faux pas. Believing the drinkers in there to be Cowden fans due to their blue and white scarves, the Germans noted their support for England as they sang 'Rule Britannia' and 'Swing Low Sweet Chariot' and praised Gazza. The Germans then did everything in their power and succeeded in beating England who they believed the people of Cowdenbeath wished to win. Yet again, the Germans had shot themselves in the foot. Chancellor Kohl showed the typical German sense of humour when he learned of this gaffe, 'Donner und Blitzen zose Dumpkopfs vill be zent to ze Russian front'. Remember, be on your guard, the Germans remain committed to prevent the Blue Brazil achieving their rightful place in the football hierarchy.