Radio Gaga

I don’t know if many Cowden fans ever venture up north to Peterhead (other than to occasionally watch Cowden grab late equalisers) but the local radio station - Radio Blue Toon - features a broadcaster known simply as Eck. I have a vague suspicion he might have a soft spot for the Blue Brazil. I first heard Eck presenting the Saturday sports programme "Fit like’s the Fitba" and a transcript of this remarkable broadcast is appended below:

Eck: ‘Now over to Alex Buchan who is with Peterhead at Huntly today’.
AB: ‘Fit like Eck?’
Eck: ‘Nae bad Alex, foo’s yersel.’
AB: ‘I’m braw and looking forward to today’s important Highland League clash between Hu -’
Eck: ‘Sorry Alex, I must break in as we can now go live to Central Park, Cowdenbeath for an update on Cowdenbeath’s clash with Albion Rovers which has just kicked off.’

20 minutes elapse with ragged, amateurish, sometimes virtually inaudible commentary and vehement expert summary from Central Park until Albion Rovers score and we return to the studio.

Eck: ‘Those spawny Albion Rovers bas’ (voice in background - Eck you’re back on air). ‘Err, now its time to go around the grounds. Firstly, to Geordie Buchan who’s at the Broch to see Fraserburgh take on Elgin. Geordie foo’s it gaun?’
GB: ‘Weel Eck ye ken the Broch loons are -’
Eck: ‘Sorry Geordie but we’re going back live to Central Park as there is news of a further goal. It’s a goal for Cowden yah beauty, Willie Stewart’s equalised.’

Commentary from Cowdenbeath then takes the show through to half time.

Eck: ‘1-1 at Central Park and now its time to for the teuch..., er um Highland League half time reports.’

There then follows 5 minutes of reports from places such as Nairn, Huntly, Wick and Fort William.

Eck: ‘Now some interesting half times from around the country - Celtic 5 Dunfermline 0 (sound of muffled laughter in background) and East Fife 0 Forfar 2. Now it’s time for 2nd half commentary on our featured match from Central Park, Cowdenbeath.’

45 minutes later back in the studio - sounds of fu-bleep pi-bleep.

Eck: ‘Good job we’ve got that 5 second delay set up. Disappointing result there for all Cowden fans both in Fife and up here in the north. Now it’s time for our round up of the Highland League games.’

Following reports on Peterhead’s draw at Huntly and high scoring hammerings of local rabbits there follows a 10 minute interview with Cowden manager Craig Levein live on air.

Eck: ‘What’s the excuses this week then Craig?’
CL: ‘Unlucky...injuries...flu...inexperienced...lack of cash...bumpy pitch...windy...sunspots...referees a townie... Milosevic...Billy McLaren’s a wa-bleep.’
Eck: ‘Thanks Craig, maybe we’ll speak again soon. Who knows we may feature Cowden again soon as our commentary match here on Radio Blue Toon - probably next week if Big Stuart minds to take his mobile phone to the game again.’

Announcer: ‘It’s five o’clock and time for "O’ Feck it’s Eck" - the controversial football phone in show with your presenter - Eck.’

Eck: ‘Hallo, fit like abody. Today’s guest is Rory Buchan of the Peterhead fanzine "We hate the Broch".’
Rory: ‘Hallo abody and mum.’
Eck: ‘What about that Cowden result today Rory?’
Rory: ‘Ah didnae notice it but did ye see the Blue Toon boays goat a draw doon at Huntly - a guid result efter a’.’
Eck:’ Ok Rory, but lets not get bogged down with the minor Leagues - what do you think of the news that Gordon McDougall’s going to get the cheque book out for next season?’
Rory: ‘Who?’
Eck: In a somewhat terse tone - ‘I thought you were here to contribute some knowledgeable opinions on the big football issues. Let’s go to the phone lines and our first caller is Tam. Hello Tam where are you calling from and what’s your point.’
Tam: ‘Ah’m phonin’ fae Peterheid to complain that you’re always slagging Dunfermline aff. Me and my mates up here are Pars fans and take offence at your constant carping.’
Eck:’ I’m surprised to learn there are any Townies up here, I thought you were all living in Dalgety Bay. Where exactly is this enclave of fans located?’
Tam: ‘Well tae be honest we’re a’ in the jile up here, neebor.’
Eck: ’Don’t try and ingratiate yersel wi’ me, wi yer neebor an’ a’ that patter. I might have kent - they should bring back hanging for the likes o’ yoose, yer jist Townie scum. Oh a mind Willie Callaghan sticking two goals in the Townie net, and Kenny Ward taking the pi-bleep at East End and thon goal John Dickson cracked hame aff the underside o’ the bar years ago, it must have been fae 45 yards oot, and I mind... Oh he’s hung up, jist like a Townie unable to participate in a rational debate. Rory have you any thoughts on this point?’
Rory: ‘Well to be honest I don’t see that this is entirely relevant to a local sports show’
Eck: ‘Don’t you gie me that Mr la di da Rory Buchan - that shows hoo much you ken. Ah we’ve got another caller. Hello who’s there?’
Caller: ‘lo its Steven Buchan here, skipper o’ the MV Big Quota - I really think yer programmes awfy and that yer a richt feel gype. Whit aboot Peterheid fitba?’
Eck: ‘Ah’ve been talkin aboot real fitba ya smackheid. OK, we’ll talk about Peterheid. 5-0 in 1978 and then 6-1 a few years ago - there ye go that’s whit happens when yez try and take on the Blue Brazil. If we beat yez again we’ll get to keep yez. Here it’s time for some music.’

Next we hear the strains of "We love Cowdenbeath" and background noises of a scuffle taking place. There is then a pause until an announcer comes on.

Announcer: ‘I’m sorry, due to technical difficulties the transmission of "O Feck its Eck" has been halted for this week. Instead, we’ll carry on with a short musical interlude from Bobby Buchan and his Blue Toon Band. Thereafter we’ll return to the scheduled programmes with "Name that Fish".’