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The
art of summing up a tedious Shire v Dumbarton or
East Fife v Forfar clash in a succinct 50 words
has been perfected over many years by suitably skilled
tabloid journalists (including such talented wordsmiths
as ex-Cowden boss John Reilly). A Stylistic shorthand
is employed which conveys much more than the bare
words set out on the page. For the uninitiated some
key phrases are explained below to assist in interpretation
so you too can enjoy the full majesty of this oft-overlooked
literary canon, a vibrant sub-genre of the sportswriting
profession.
Cup
Run - Victory over East of Scotland League
club.
Prolific
Goalscorer - Player previously sold by Cowdenbeath
FC.
442
or 433 or 235 - Crowd figure rather than
team formation.
Man
of the Match - Ex-Old Firm player.
Complimentary
Ticket - Upmarket sneaking-in.
Wing-back
- Player equally inept at full-back or on the wing.
Coach
- Mode of transport.
Official
Attendance - Actual Crowd x 2.
Floodlight
Failure - Someone switched the kettle on
at Cliftonhill during the match.
TV
Exposure - Club's result featured on Vidiprinter
on Grandstand.
Sponsor
- Blank white space on team's jersey.
Personality
Player - Alcoholic.
Sweeper
- Player of minimal pace and even less understanding
of the offside law.
Scouts
are watching him - Player who is also 'Akela'
to the local troop is suspected of interfering with
his young charges.
All
Ticket Match - Game played before sizeable
3 figure crowd at Cliftonhill or Firs Park.
Toilet
facilities - Bomb damaged, roofless 2nd
World War air raid shelter offering unique al fresco
experience.
Hotstop
- Somewhat similar to a goalkeeping version of Norman
Wisdom.
Pivot
- rhyming slang for divot - an immobile, vegetable
based life form often seen on a football pitch.
Youth
Policy - Club has nae money.
Experienced
Midfield General - Player who to all intents
and purposes retired from active football 3 years
ago.
The
Crowd enjoyed the pre-match entertainment
- they were in the pub.
One
of those clubs which has not been affected by the
'Tailor Report' - Berwick fans are still
wearing flares and tank-tops.
Club
with an impressive record - Jimmy Shand's
"Bluebell Polka".
Manager's
Tactics - His favourite mint sweet.
Combative
Player - Out on probation and has seen more
cards than a Cashline machine.
Special
Cup Tie Atmosphere - 12 inch version of
Russ Abbott single was played at half-time.
Season
Ticket - Community Service Order.
Bagman's
Magic Sponge - Cake containing marijuana
supplied by player's drug dealing contact.
The
team has lost its shape - Players spend
more time in pub than in training.
Half
Time Entertainment - Tannoy announcement
at Central Park confirmed Townies were 3-0 down
at half-time.
Antiquated
facilities - Ground is owned by club not
wholly subsidised by Old Firm and Football Ground
Improvement Trust whilst Asda/local council ain't
interested.
Typical
derby encounter - More red cards than goals.
It
seemed as though the final whistle would never sound
- Match Referee was Mr I Emslie (Portlethen).
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