Match Reports With A Difference

Tired of the same old match reports. Here are a few fresh slants on some of Cowden’s matches this season from a surprising array of reporters.

12th August – Cowden 5 v Albion Rovers 0 by Roy Walker
And now for something completely different as Albion Rovers turned up with a side built round youth. Izzy, wizzy let’s get busy was their intention and Albion fans were in good voice until a poor pass back prompted shrieks of ‘I don’t believe it’. Keith Wright immediately thought I’m free and cried luvvly jubbly as he rounded the visiting ‘keeper to put Cowden ahead. The Rovers centre-half repeated his mistake in the second half to allow Wright to score again and reveal himself to be the weakest link. Gonnae no dae that and you stupid boy were the verdicts from the terraces. John Paul Burns then scored two more just like that. It was then nice to see you to see you nice as James Allan came on as substitute and made it 5-0. Cowden’s talented side were highly impressive with several players rumoured to be potentially involved in loadsamoney transfer deals which would mean by this time next year they would all be millionaires. At the final whistle, John McVeigh said “Feck”, “Arse”, and “what a gay day”. Craig Levein’s view was didn’t they do well whilst he felt Albion Rovers didn’t like it up them. The Cowden fans meantime headed homewards wondering “whassssup” and asking “wherrzza burds”?

9th September – East Fife 0 v Cowden 2 by Raymond Chandler
I walked down Methil’s mean streets past the dead dogs and the garbage piled high on the sidewalk to reach what they call New Bayview down by the docks where the sailors used to hang out. The place was horrible by daylight. The plastic stand, the gaudy gold and black colours like some cheap tart’s boudoir, the pug faced punters and their stale stench which struck you like a freight train. All this in the daytime had a stealthy nastiness, like a fag party. 3 of them elected to mix it but the black guy flashed red cards like neon lights. Wright and Winter smashed home a couple. Levein just laughed at the howling hoodlums. Shannon sweated, shouted and swore like some sick slimy slug with salt stuck up his ass. In the stand was a lynch mob but these lowlifes didn’t have the class of your average lynch mob. With their ghastly kissers and pointy heads they were a grubbier version of the Klan. They and their side had bought a one way ticket to palookaville. Meantime I headed back west to scrape this filthy burg off my shoes.

16th September – Cowden 2 v Hamilton 0 by Ian Paisley-Road of the Daily Record
Hamilton found Cowdenbeath formidable opponents on Saturday. Hamilton boss ex-Ranger Ally Dawson has been doing a fine job as befits a man schooled in the Ibrox academy of Wallace and Greig. But it was one time Rangers signing target Craig Levein who came out on top in this battle. Veteran Alan Lawrence who many will remember ending his Hearts career in the 1996 Scottish Cup final when Rangers won thanks to a hat-trick by ‘Jukebox’ Durie put the home side 1 up. The men in royal blue continued to pour forward and an Anton Roganesque own goal made it 2-0. Hamilton tried to turn the tide in the second half with ex-Ranger Robert Prtyz showing the linkman skills that seem to have disappeared in Scotland. How we all long for the days of Souness, Baxter or Russell. The game ended with the 3 points going to the blues who sit proudly at the top of the table much like Rangers usually do.

21st October – Albion Rovers 1 v Cowden 0 by A Whinger
I’m no going back. That was ridiculous. They dinna want promotion. McDougall’s only interested in stock cars. I heard in the pub that they are going to sell the ground for a supermarket and relocate tae Dumbarton. Half the team’s too auld and the young boys are no good enough. It’s time Levein gave the real young laddies a chance, play the hale under-16 team I say. Maist o’ the players in the first team are jist in it fir the money an’ so’s McDougall, I heard in the pub he’s a millionaire. Levein’s tactics are hopeless tae, we need twa wingers. 2-3-5’s what we should be playing. He should have brocht all 3 substitutes on in the first half-oor. The bubble’s burst noo and that Levein he’ll never get any further as a manager. They should bring in somebody frae the juniors to be the boss. Fitba nooadays is rubbish onywey. Andy Matthew’s team would hammer this lot. Wee Davie Ross an' Billy Dickson wid score a hunnerd goals a season noo. Mind you back then Charlie Gronbach and them didnae want promotion. That wis a well-known fact in the pub. An’ when Andy Rolland missed that penalty, he wis peyed a bonus by Cowden for that – I ken that’s true because a boy telt me that in the pub. An’ here’s anither thing I pey my money and I’m entitled tae shout at the players. Some eedjits were shouting at me an’ saying I shouldnae be barracking oor ain players. They dinnae ken the meaning o’ being a true supporter like me. I love my fitba, I never miss a Rangers game on Sky at the Goth. That’s real fitba, ye widna catch me wastin ma time wi that lot ower at Central Park. They dinna want promotion, ye ken.

4th November – Cowden 1 v East Fife 0 by Stephen King
To the fans, the team was their whole world. Once more it was threatened by the creature from the East, from the sewers of imagination, from the half-forgotten nightmares of the past. Yet again Levein knew that he must confront it as it reached out, seizing, tearing, killing…. The beast was swathed in rotting bandages and had flaking skin like crumbling ancient parchment. Its dead lips and black tombstone teeth and puckered eye sockets were the stigmata of pure evil. Decay and pestilence was its touchstone. Bradley though from 25 yards struck a visceral blow which almost destroyed this emissary from the legion of the damned. Back though it came snarling, ripping and insane with rage. However, Levein’s charges did not falter nor break ranks. Once more the beast was slain, this time for good – it returned back to the dark, dank maggot-infested grave from which it had arisen. The forces of good had triumphed and a dark cloud had been lifted from all the world. Levein knew now his job was done, the beast was finally vanquished, it was time for him to move on.

11th November – Cowden 1 v Dumbarton 1 by Eminem
Hi! My name is…? My Name is …? My name is …Mad-Dog Hi! My name is…? My Name is …? My name is …Mad-Dog Can I have your attention for just one second Dear Paddy, I wrote but you still aint callin’. I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not a got ‘em There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin’ Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot ‘em. But anyways today you aint hidin’ on no bench Now my thirst for revenge I’m a gonna quench I kicked you in the air like mad Frankie Fraser Then chased you with a stapler, And stapled your nuts to a stack of paper (Owwwwww!) Hi! My name is…? My Name is …? My name is …Mad-Dog Hi! My name is…? My Name is …? My name is …Mad-Dog

25th November – Cowden 2 v Peterhead 0 by Lachie Buchan of the Press & Journal
After only 90 seconds Cowden youngster Graeme Brown made a meal of a challenge by Peterhead ‘keeper Pirie but amazingly the referee pointed to the spot. To compound his error the referee then incredibly sent off Pirie despite him not being the last man as Billy Herd with a typical, electrifying burst of speed had got back to clear. Justice was done though when young loon Ross Buchanan saved Jimmy Boyle’s penalty. Peterhead then went on to dominate much of the match against the League leaders. Buchanan had little to do other then make 20 incredible saves whilst his opposite number John Martin was under severe pressure. Peterhead went desperately close when Yeats cracked in a fine effort which went out for a throw in and Martin looked shaky when he had to deal with a pass-back whilst still carrying his umbrella. Against the run of play goals by Burns (who otherwise wasn’t allowed a kick by the Blue Toon’s right-back) and Smith gave the home side an undeserved three points. Billy Herd also picked up a booking – another ridiculous decision involving the man known as Scotland’s Gary Lineker for the sporting way he always conducts himself. Overall verdict - Peterhead were robbed by the most dubious of refereeing decisions. If that was a penalty, I’m the Turra Coo. Man of the Match – Billy Shoal - sponsored by the Buchan Chippie – ‘it’s Buchan guid’.

2nd December – Montrose 1 v Cowden 2 by Brian Glanville of the Sunday Times
There was a shock in store it seemed for the Fife Azzurri when Montrose were awarded a penalty. But John Martin who I first saw as a young man over 20 years ago when he succeeded the fabulous McGarr at Airdrie was to be the scourge of the Gable Lichties. His penalty save was made with all the panache and bravura of a Zoff or a Yashin. Galvanised by this the Wunderteam awoke and their riposte came when James Allan with typical elan scored to electrify the Cowdenbeath tifosi. The refulgent Allan struck once more and Martin watched with a delicious sense of schadenfreude as his opposite number allowed the ball to spill from his grasp into the net. The lumpen Montrose then abandoned their amateurish version of catenaccio and managed to pull one back. However, White and his henchmen effectively shut up shop to allow Cowden to take the points after a chiaroscuro display.