The Scottish Football Millennium Bug

With all the hype surrounding the year 2000 and computer system crashes affecting everyone on the planet, WTSS has taken a look at what areas of concern there may be surrounding the dawn of a new century and Scottish Football.

• Queens Park will lose approximately 85% of their home support when pacemakers, which have kept them almost alive since the Scottish League was founded, finally pack in. On the optimistic side, Hampden fails to reek of pish for visiting supporters.
• Berwick Rangers will be exiled to play their football in England, when Scotland finally gains full independence with the League committee, at last seeing sense, sending them homewards tae think again.
• Ross County are suspended from the Scottish League indefinitely after sheep shearing equipment is locked on and all of the sheep are completely bald. Players take their sexual frustrations out on all opposing teams, dogs, cats and hamsters. The increased on-field antics end up with several players being charged and jailed with various forms of poofery and they are unable to field 11 players for the final 3 months of the season.
• Coatbridge fails a full electricity safety check and is plunged into eternal darkness - no change there then.
• In an attempt to benefit from a large crowd the 'Shire and Stenhousemuir kick-off the first match of the millennium at 15 minutes past twelve, doubling the average 'Shire home attendance to 200 with fans being forced to pay £25 entrance fee. Unfortunately the referees' watch fails to proceed past 12:30 and the teams are forced to play for the last 5 months of the season. The only time that anyone from that area can say they've had value for money once they've entered the ground.
• All time pieces of Rangers fans re-set to 12/7/1690, and forces them to re-live the battle of the Boyne. Just like every matchday - no change there then.
• Craig Levein signs another 6 Hearts players on loan following yet another poor league run.