A Lumphinnans man walks into a popular Townie bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "I bet you £5 that I can bite my eyeball" The sceptical Dunfy bartender figures no one can bite their own eyeball and slaps down £5 saying "You're on" The man removes a glass eye, places it between his teeth, and bites down. He then takes the £5. He looks at the bartender and says, "I bet you £10 that I can bite my other eyeball." The bartender looks at the man to see if he is blind, but sees that he obviously isn't. He knows that he couldn't have two glass eyes, so he slaps down £10 and says "You're on". The man removes a set of false teeth, hold them up to his good eye, and gently closes them on his eye. He then take the £10. The man then looks at the bartender and says "I bet you £100 that I can stand on a spinning barstool while pissing and have all of my piss land in a nip glass that you place at the opposite end of the bar, without spilling a drop. The bartender, knowing that this is impossible, agrees to the bet. The man then stands on a barstool, which the bartender proceeds to spins, and begins pissing. The piss flies all over the bar, hitting the bar, the bartender, the Townie regulars, the bottles, everything. The bartender realises that he won, and starts jumping up and down. "Drinks are on the house," he says happily. But when he looks around he notices a Rangers fan crying at one of the tables. "What's the matter?", the bartender asks. "You should be happy, drinks are on the house. "You don't understand," the man says, "I just bet the other guy £1000 that he couldn't piss all over your bar and make you happy about it.

An Raith fan and his two Townie friends drank at the same bar every night after work. One evening, the Kirkcaldy man keels over and dies. Well, the police come and are filling out the report and one of them asks the Townies, "Did your friend have any distinguishing marks?" One of the Townies says, "I'll say he did! He had two arseholes!" The policeman says, "Oh really, and how would you know a thing like that?". The Townie replies, "Because every night when we come in, the bartender would say, `Here comes the Raith fan with the two arseholes!'"

A Cowdenbeath man rushes into his house and yells to his Aberdonian wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by one o' clock!"

For three years, a young Hearts fan had been taking his vacations at the same country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!". "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a Jambo."

A taxi driving Hibs fan on holiday went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the speciality of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied. "The what, you say?", exclaimed the Hibee. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. He gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, he commented to the waiter: "Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see senor, the bull he does not always lose!"

A Kirkford man called Alex, who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk, who was incidentally a Killie fan, to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to Alex, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". Looking through the scope, Alex starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in that house", Alex replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the Alex, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to Alex and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". Alex takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

A man was walking down the street one day when he saw an Alloa fan standing on the corner, playing with his arse and then smelling his fingers. The man watched him do this for a minute or so, then he walked over to him and asked, "What are you doing, if I might ask?" And the 'Wasp' replied, "I'm snorting crack, of course!"

Did you hear about the fat Berwick fan who fell over in the sand and rocked himself to sleep trying to get up. He was eventually awakened by a lifeguard who asked him to move back because the tide was waiting to come in.

A Brechin fan was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhoea; and you know how I love to fish" A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she's got diarrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..." The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex." "Yeah, but she's got phyrrea and you know how I love to fish..." Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Halbeath was vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she espied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Jim Leishman and Gerry McNee!

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Old Firm fans come from?"

A Livingston fan died in poverty and many locals subscribed to a fund for his funeral. An office worker from Cowdenbeath was asked to donate a pound. "Only a pound?" said the Fife man, "Only a pound to bury an Livvy fan? Here's a tenner; go and bury 9 more of them."

Two Dingwall newlyweds go on their honeymoon. The guy comes back home a week later without the wife. His father asks him, "What's happened to your wife, Son." The son replies," Had to shoot her, Dad." the father looks shocked," Why in damnation did you do that?". "Well... I found out that she was a virgin.", replied the son. To which the father said, "You did good son, if she isn't good enough for her own folks she isn't good enough for us."

An Albion Rovers fan is walking along and finds a bottle of whisky. So of course, he starts to rejoice, but when he pulls the cork off the top, a genie appears and says, "You are my master. What are your three wishes?" The Coatbridge man thinks for a second and says, "I want to be rich." *POOF* He is surrounded by millions of pounds. He then says, "I want a penthouse mansion." *POOF* He's now standing in a penthouse apartment with jewels, gold, and other fine works all about him. Then he says, "For my last wish, I want to never have to work again for the rest of my life." *POOF* He's back to being an Albion Rovers fan!

A merchant captain from Greenock and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him, he shouted: "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!" The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well, Cap'n, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants."

In the year 2010 the inhabitants of the moon begged the United States not to send any more East Fife supporters. Said a senior moon dweller, "We thought green cheese smelt bad!"

Did you hear about ...
the ugly Hibernian supporters wife who would get calls from peeping toms to close the curtains.
the Montrose fan who went back to a corner shop with a dud box of matches. "Sorry sir" said the assistant "but don't you remember testing them before you left the shop?"
the methilhill genius who has just invented a cure for which there is no illness.
the Hamilton Accies fan who stole a calendar - he got 12 months.
the Airdrie fan who applied for a job at the Sheraton Hotel in Edinburgh, "Before we start" said the interviewer, "you'll have to fill in a questionnaire!". He then promptly got up and assaulted the doorman.
the Montrose fan who went back to a corner shop with a dud box of matches. "Sorry sir" said the assistant "but don't you remember testing them before you left the shop?"

A townie and a methil gypsy were walking along the road, they decided to part and go their own ways and that they would meet a fortnight later to see how they had faired. The two weeks passed and whilst the methil gypsy made a reasonable living selling 'The Big Issue' the townie appeared driving a Rolls Royce. "Where did you get that?" asked the gypsy. ,"Well, just after we split up, I was picked up by this beautiful blonde woman driving this car. She took me to a secluded spot took off all of her clothes and told me to take what I wanted." "What did you do next? " Asked the excited methil moron. " As her clothes did not fit me, I took the Rolls Royce instead!".

Q. How many Stranraer fans would it take to change a light bulb
A. Trick question - there are no Stranraer fans.

A Ross County fan wins on the national lottery and agrees to give boss Bobby Wilson money to buy a new player. He was later quoted "If I get 3 numbers again next week, I'll buy you another."

Grey headed townie Hamish French was on the job after picking a bird up, the girls nether regions was so big that he fell in (Some similarity can be made between this happening and putting on a Dunfermline jersey, from the outside you still look like a cunt!). He was trying to get his bearings when he met Craig 'FATBOY' Robertson, Guido Van De Kamp, and a couple of YTS trainees. "Am I glad to see youse", says Hamish, "let's get oot o' here!". "Good idea", says FATBOY, "get in the team bus and we'll drive oot."

Did you hear about the man from Dingwall who killed 100 tortoises?
He said he always wanted to own a shell suit.

Q. How many Albion Rovers fans does it take to change a lighbulb?
A. Don't be daft, they haven't got electricity in Coatbridge.

What's the definition of a Livingston virgin ?
A girl who can run faster than her father and brothers.

What's eight miles long and has an IQ of 40?
The queue for the Post Office on Giro day in Methil.