A couple of Scots rugby fans on a recent visit to Cardiff wandered into a Working Mens club and after ordering a drink sat a little distance from the pool table. Being a little curious as to how the other half lived, their eyes scanned the whole room which was well attended. One man's eye caught sight of Evan Jones standing at the bar. The peculiar thing about Evan was that his head was absolutely flat which caused the stranger to laugh. The first stranger pointed out the peculiar sight of a man with a flat head to his friend and he, too, joined in the laughter. This rudeness was not unnoticed by Evan's friends who quickly came to his defence. 'I hope that you aren't laughing at Evan,' said club member David, towering over the table. The two went silent. 'Because Evan is the bravest man in here. Do you know,' David went on, 'that man saved the lives of hundreds of miners. 'How?' asked the now deflated visitors. 'Evan held the whole roof up with his head,' they were told. 'And how did he get that cauliflower ear?' they wanted to know. 'That's where we hit him with the hammer when we were wedging him in,' he told the amazed pair.

A labourer from Partick was working near a guillotine when he bent over a little too far and his ear was severed. Man and ear were quickly rushed to the hospital. Whilst his injury was being cleaned up in one ward, the ear was being prepared for micro surgery until both he and his ear came once again together. The ear lay in a tray and the sight of it made the Jags fan suspicious.'That's not my ear,' he protested. 'My ear had a cigarette behind it!'

A camel, who incidentally had once followed Third Lanark, decided to educate his son who he suspected war; getting a little inquisitive. 'Why do we have two humps?' asked the son.'That's so that we car, go for days and weeks without water. We can store it in the humps. 'Why do we have very long eye lashes?' 'That,' he was told,'is to protect the eyes from the sand in a sand storm.' 'And why do we have bulbous looking feet?''That is so that we can travel twice as fast through the desert. 'Dad,' asked the young camel,'what the hell are we doing in this zoo?'

Did you know Jim Leishman is going to be the new Cowden coach? They are going to take all of his teeth out and put seats in.

A Raith fan went on holiday to England. Whilst there, he went to see a show at which there was one of the world's greatest ventriloquists. He was so impressed that he waited outside after the show to have a word with the man. "I thought that you were great. I would very much like you to come up to my farm in Fife and visit me when you are in Scotland and if you could play a show for my town I would gladly let you stay at my house and see that you had the best of everything." The ventriloquist was very flattered, and so the two exchanged addresses and he promised that he would contact the Raith fan as soon as he arrived in Scotland. 2 months passed and the Raith fan received a postcard stating 'Jack The Ventriloquist' would be arriving in the area that week. His wife cleaned their house until it was spotless, and the man spoke to all his animals to make sure that they were to be on their best behaviour. When the ventriloquist arrived the first thing the Raith fan wanted him to do was to get all his animals to say a few words to him. So they walked round the farm and first of all came to a cow. 'Hello,' said Jack,'who are you?' 'Why I'm Daisy' the cow replied ' and I've lived here for 6 years and I supply the local shop with milk and I am very happy here.' 'That is brilliant.' said the Raith fan,'that cow has never said a word to me before and now she says this. What about the horse?'. They walked across the field to where the horse grazed. 'Hello,' said Jack,'who are you?'. 'I am Dobbin, I have been here for 9 of years and the farmer rides me when he rounds up the sheep, I am very happy living here.' Meanwhile, one of the farm hands (a Ross County fan) who had been watching from behind the barn had been getting rather worried. So he ran to the field in which the sheep were kept, and ran over to the corner where flossy the ewe was busy eating grass. He grabbed her by the neck. 'Listen here, if that man dares to come round here and asks you any questions, mention my name and I'll strangle you!!'

What do you call a deaf Townie?
Anything you like?

What do you call a Townie with perfect hearing?
Anything you like?

What does a 6ft parrot usually say?
"Polly wants a cracker - NOW!"

Dave Sinclair, Jason Dair and Steve Crawford were asked what they thought about the big city when they arrived in London to play for Millwall. A BBC reporter got his answer at Kings Cross Railway Station. "Shahoor, it's great min" said Sinky, "But why is it all covered with glass?"

Somewhat appropriate that after being sponsored by 'Matchwinner' in 1995/6, the new Pars strip is made by Le Coq Sportif which is of course French for 'Sporting Cocks'.

What do you get if you cross a Townie and a gorilla ? ... A dumb gorilla.

Why did God make urine yellow and semen white ? ... So the Old Firm fans could tell if they were coming or going.

Why did the Cowden fan trade in his Montrose born wife for an outhouse ? ... Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

What's black and yellow and has three eyes ? ... East Fife's Alan Sneddon and his wife.

Why are Ice Hockey goalkeepers and Methil girls alike ? ... They both change there pads after three periods.

What's green and spits ? ... A Tim on a barbecue.

What do you call a 2000 year old Highlander? ... Peat.

Here about the Hun who thought that an ITCHY FANNY was a Japanese motorcycle.

Did you hear about the poofy Livingston fan who got fired from the sperm bank ?... He was caught drinking on the job.

How do you get a Stenhousemuir girl pregnant ? ... Let the poofy Livingston fan spit on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and go on a tour of the city. After a while, they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?", "No my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height or maybe a bit shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask my son?" "No reason.", replies Grumpy as he stands consumed deep in thought. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?" "I'm absolutely positive.", replies this Pope. "Okay then", says Grumpy dejectedly at receiving the news. The Pope is slightly inquisitive and he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?", chant the other six dwarfs. "They don't have any" Grumpy moaned. Upon hearing this the other six dwarfs start chanting "Grumpy fucked a penguin, Grumpy fucked a penguin, Grumpy fucked a penguin..."

An Albion Rovers fan was awakened in the early hours of the morning by the sound of a telephone ringing. "Hullo, who is it?", asked the Coatbridge man who was exhausted from his work - returning Buckfast bottles and collecting the deposit. "Is Wullie there?", said the voice on the phone. "What?" quizzed the Rovers fan. "Is Wullie there? the voice repeated. "Naw, there's no a Wullie here!" stated the Rovers fan. "Oh, right then. Sorry to bother ye. Ah must have the wrang number sorry fur disturbin' ye." said the voice. "That's aw right", replied the Rovers fan, "I had to get up cos' the phone wiz ringing anyway?".

A Stranraer fan went to the doctors complaining about an irritation in his nether regions. "Does it burn when you urinate?" asked the physician. "I don't know, I've never tried lighting it!", replied the fan.

Did you hear about the fat Berwick fan who fell over in the sand and rocked himself to sleep trying to get up. He was eventually awakened by a lifeguard who asked him to move back because the tide was waiting to come in.

A Brechin fan was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhoea; and you know how I love to fish" A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she's got diarrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..." The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex." "Yeah, but she's got phyrrea and you know how I love to fish..." Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." "It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Halbeath was vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she espied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Jim Leishman and Gerry McNee!

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Old Firm fans come from?"

A Livingston fan died in poverty and many locals subscribed to a fund for his funeral. An office worker from Cowdenbeath was asked to donate a pound. "Only a pound?" said the Fife man, "Only a pound to bury an Livvy fan? Here's a tenner; go and bury 9 more of them."

Two Dingwall newlyweds go on their honeymoon. The guy comes back home a week later without the wife. His father asks him, "What's happened to your wife, Son." The son replies," Had to shoot her, Dad." the father looks shocked," Why in damnation did you do that?". "Well... I found out that she was a virgin.", replied the son. To which the father said, "You did good son, if she isn't good enough for her own folks she isn't good enough for us."

An Albion Rovers fan is walking along and finds a bottle of whisky. So of course, he starts to rejoice, but when he pulls the cork off the top, a genie appears and says, "You are my master. What are your three wishes?" The Coatbridge man thinks for a second and says, "I want to be rich." *POOF* He is surrounded by millions of pounds. He then says, "I want a penthouse mansion." *POOF* He's now standing in a penthouse apartment with jewels, gold, and other fine works all about him. Then he says, "For my last wish, I want to never have to work again for the rest of my life." *POOF* He's back to being an Albion Rovers fan!

A merchant captain from Greenock and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him, he shouted: "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!" The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well, Cap'n, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants."