A Lumphinnans man walks into a popular Townie bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "I bet you £5 that I can bite my eyeball" The sceptical Dunfy bartender figures no one can bite their own eyeball and slaps down £5 saying "You're on" The man removes a glass eye, places it between his teeth, and bites down. He then takes the £5. He looks at the bartender and says, "I bet you £10 that I can bite my other eyeball." The bartender looks at the man to see if he is blind, but sees that he obviously isn't. He knows that he couldn't have two glass eyes, so he slaps down £10 and says "You're on". The man removes a set of false teeth, hold them up to his good eye, and gently closes them on his eye. He then take the £10. The man then looks at the bartender and says "I bet you £100 that I can stand on a spinning barstool while pissing and have all of my piss land in a nip glass that you place at the opposite end of the bar, without spilling a drop. The bartender, knowing that this is impossible, agrees to the bet. The man then stands on a barstool, which the bartender proceeds to spins, and begins pissing. The piss flies all over the bar, hitting the bar, the bartender, the Townie regulars, the bottles, everything. The bartender realises that he won, and starts jumping up and down. "Drinks are on the house," he says happily. But when he looks around he notices a Rangers fan crying at one of the tables. "What's the matter?", the bartender asks. "You should be happy, drinks are on the house. "You don't understand," the man says, "I just bet the other guy £1000 that he couldn't piss all over your bar and make you happy about it.

A Raith fan and his two Townie friends drank at the same bar every night after work. One evening, the Kirkcaldy man keels over and dies. Well, the police come and are filling out the report and one of them asks the Townies, "Did your friend have any distinguishing marks?" One of the Townies says, "I'll say he did! He had two arseholes!" The policeman says, "Oh really, and how would you know a thing like that?". The Townie replies, "Because every night when we come in, the bartender would say, `Here comes the Raith fan with the two arseholes!'"

A Cowdenbeath man rushes into his house and yells to his Aberdonian wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by one o' clock!"

For three years, a young Hearts fan had been taking his vacations at the same country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!". "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a Jambo."

A taxi driving Hibs fan on holiday went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the speciality of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied. "The what, you say?", exclaimed the Hibee. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. He gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, he commented to the waiter: "Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see senor, the bull he does not always lose!"

A Kirkford man called Alex, who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk, who was incidentally a Killie fan, to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to Alex, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". Looking through the scope, Alex starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in that house", Alex replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the Alex, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to Alex and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". Alex takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

A man was walking down the street one day when he saw an Alloa fan standing on the corner, playing with his arse and then smelling his fingers. The man watched him do this for a minute or so, then he walked over to him and asked, "What are you doing, if I might ask?" And the 'Wasp' replied, "I'm snorting crack, of course!"

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with 10 watermelons."

The Royal Marines were having inspection and as the Captain moved on down the line he would check the toughness of each man. The first man he slapped in the face with his swagger stick, "Did that hurt?" asked the officer. "NO SIR", was the reply. "Why?" asked the captain. "BECAUSE I AM MARINE, SIR!" The captain continued down the line, striking each man in various parts of the body when he comes upon a man, who was incidentally born in Arbroath, with a large penis protruding from between his legs. The captain promptly whacks it with his swagger stick. "Did that hurt, Marine???" demanded the Captain. "NO SIR", shouted the Marine. "Why not??" "BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE MAN BEHIND ME, SIR!"

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over Townies he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a Townie walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a Townie walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Townie. However even though he was certain he missed the Townie, he still heard a loud "THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that Townie". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture test ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man sneaked into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three tortures tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man woke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this hug rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture Test: 100lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out of the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

What's the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of Townies?
You can't unload a truck full of sand with a pitchfork!

What's brown and taps on glass?
A Townie in a microwave!

There are three gay 3rd Division couples who decide to go to the beach for the day. For whatever reason they get split up and travel three partners in one car three in the other. On the way to the coast one of the cars gets involved in a horrific pile up on the motorway and they all die. They have a joint funeral in which their dead partners are cremated. The vicar asks each of them in turn where they wish to scatter their partners ashes. The first gay (a 'Shire fan) says : "On the back seat of my tandem" "Why?" asks the Vicar "Because it is were we first made love on our way to a 'Shire match" The second gay (an Arbroath fan) says : "On Gayfield Park, Arbroath" "Why?" asks the Vicar "Because it is were we first made love" The third gay (a Berwick fan) says : "On a Vindaloo Curry" "Why?" asks the Vicar "Because I want to feel him dribble out of my arse one more time"

A Methil woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."

A friendly Montrose fan(okay it is a joke after all) is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to wake Mr.Murphy but Mr.Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door. "Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she says, looking around, But . . .where's his wheelchair?"

Did you hear about the Rangers fan who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Rangers News when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only £1.00 a pound Call 0898 169099
The Hun decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for an orange sash with a sign attached around her neck reading, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the blubber laden blue-nose chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said,"Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and jumped on the Paul Gascoigne 'Speak your weight' scales and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a masonic apron around her waist with a sign attached reading, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the Hun nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom, jumped onto the Andy Goram Lardometer and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen you Fenian bastard, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some after shave and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck reading, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

What's the difference between a Ross County fan and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling Stones have a song called, "Hey you get offa my cloud" and the County fan has one called "Hey McCloud get offa my ewe!"

A Methil couple were having difficulty surviving financially (nothing strange there then) so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner near Bayview and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems. A gentlemen pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client £50. She went back and informed the client at which he cried "That was too much!" He then asked "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for £20". The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow £30?"

A Townie called Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doctor I'm having trouble getting my penis erect (no surprises there folks) can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in Townieville (McDonalds). In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my arse."

A Dunfy supporting lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."No problem", spoke the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. "With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night, Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?", asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?, the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there s a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred.I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door,and there stood the pig and the cow!

A 'Shire fan, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the Madame. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a word of English. "I'll take her." He says desperately, as he is also in a hurry. So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As he is going full whack the girl begins to shout out: "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which he assumes that this means, great, fantastic etc, so he continues unperturbed. The following day he is at a golf meeting with a wealthy,prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then the client tees off and gets a hole in one. This gives him the opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!", he proclaims, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"